My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
