can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
