I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
