I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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