I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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