rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
