Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
