I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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