Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
