I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
