i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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