I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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