Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
