im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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