While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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