So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
