God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
