that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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