OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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