i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
