i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
