sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
