yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
