I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize