everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
