So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
