I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
