Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
