allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
