i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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