You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
