Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
