No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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