There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
