my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
