Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
