Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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