I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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