when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
