Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
