i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
