I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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