Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
