If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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