I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
