From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
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He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
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I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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