i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
