I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the condom got lost in my hair
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
