If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
