I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
