I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
