She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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