It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
