Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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