I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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