I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
