yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
