Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
