Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Please don't give away my fajitas
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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