peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
