I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
