someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
soo... how was my night?
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