Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
