Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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