Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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