Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
