Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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