I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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